Kid's Pissed Because Amazon Deleted 1984 From His Kindle

First of all, what the fuck is a high school kid doing with a Kindle? Kindles are for middle aged persons that are too lazy to carry real books, and who are too Generation X to use an iPod. Second of all, getting a book deleted from your Kindle is more of a hiccup than subject for a blown out legal battle. It’s called a library, kid. You should try using one.

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“When Amazon foolishly yanked 1984 from thousands of Kindles, Justin Gawronski’s electronic notes for a summer assignment became useless.

Now a class action lawsuit has been filed that seeks punitive damages for those affected by the deletion as well as an injunction that forbids Amazon from improperly accessing Kindles in the future.”

He probably forgot to do his homework. Don’t they know that teenagers don’t read? I know I didn’t, but look how great I turned out. Really great.

Proof That Black People Drink Beer. Obama's Beer Summit

“Video Of President Obama’s Cambridge Officer Crowley And Harvard Professor Gates Beer Summit”

Semen Up. High In Sodium

I didn’t know RC Cola was still around.

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Mother Allergic To Her Own Baby. Sad/Hilarious

She's Either Next To Her Baby, Or About To Orgasm

Joanne Mackie was allergic to her own baby during his first months. Sad yes, but doesn’t some part of you think that’s kind of hilarious? I’m probably being insensitive; no, I know I’m being insensitive, but when I imagine someone like Mrs. Mackie and the situation she’s in, I can’t help but picture a fat woman in a plastic bubble with a doleful look on her face. The look all fat people have when they’re in a Mcdonald’s eating a Big Mac when they know they should be eating a salad.

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“Mrs Mackie, 28, could not even cuddle her new born son James or pick him up because she was in so much pain.

The new mother was forced to cover herself in Muslin cloth before she went near her son.

After a skin biopsy she was diagnosed with Pemphigoid Gestationis, a rare skin disease caused by an allergic reaction to her baby developed while she was still pregnant.

Mrs Mackie was put on a course of strong steroids and after a month the blisters subsided leaving her able to hug James for the first time without feeling pain.”

You know who I feel bad for? Mr. Mackie. She’s just watching from the sidelines, probably crying, and making her husband feel like shit for caring for his own child. Then he has to look at his wife, who’s probably let herself go, much like many pregnant women after they give birth. Not to mention she has horrible rashes all over her skin. Sorry Robert.

Douchebag Name Generator. Thinks My Name is Douchey Enough

Find out what your douchebag name is. I didn’t know I was a douchebag already. Harsh.

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Personal Urns: Made From Your Loved Ones Face

This is the creepiest way to memorialize your deceased loved one. No Joke. I would not want one of these above my fireplace, or on my dresser. Can you honestly walk around your house alone and in the dark? No, you can’t because darkness is scary, and having some dead person’s face staring back at you in the dark is even scarier. Granted, you probably won’t be able to see them, unless there was just enough light to see lightly colored objects. I would be scared shitless if I was in my house and all I could see was my great grandfather’s personal urn looking at me dead in the eyes. Thank God for night lights.

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“Personal urns are a new and exciting way to memorialize your loved one. 

Now we can create a custom urn in the image of your loved one or favorite Celebrity.

New advances in facial reconstruction and 3D printing have made it possible to have an urn made in the image of anyone from just a photograph.

Never forget a face. Personal Urns combine art and technology to create a family heirloom that will be cherished for generations.”

I wouldn’t mind having a personal urn of Jessica Alba or Megan Fox. I wonder if they have a complete set that includes the body, because then I’d totally get one…naked. If they did, I’d keep it in my bed and do unforgivable things to it. Who needs a girlfriend when you’ve got your own Megan Fox? I’m pathetic.

Are Mini Kegs Worth the Money? To Put it Shortly (Pun); It Depends

When I’m drunk, I really don’t give a fuck about what I spend my money on. I’ll shell out $50 bucks at the bar, then spend another $20 on a cab ride. Hell, I’ll even spend $4 at 7-11 for a chili-dog and a drink. The point is, you practically hand out money when you’re inebriated, which really hinders money saving practices due to the fact that going out is way too expensive. I don’t feel like buying a beer for $3. I won’t even buy my 2 year old daughter bottled water at that price.  But now, you don’t have to worry about over spending at the bar, because you can just stay in and drink! Fun.

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“the MillerCoors’s home draft systems can be placed upright in a refrigerator, and can keep beer fresh for about 30 days.

If you’re looking for the absolute cheapest optionwith less concern about quality or taste, it may not be worth it. A mini MillerCoors keg gives you about 16 12-ounce beers that cost about $1.25 each. 

But if you belong to the 30% of beer drinkers who prefer tap beer, according to the Journal’s report, you may think it’s worth it to pay the 15% price-per-ounce premium over an 18-pack of beer in cans.”

I’m not so much a beer connoisseur, as I am a fan of it’s thrilling effects. I don’t care about the taste of beer. I just care about how hot it makes that husky girl in my accounting class look. And believe me…she’s looking reeeeal good right now.

Miley Cyrus’ 53-Year-Old Stalker Arrested. Creepy

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Shiantology. For People Who Believe Shia Labeouf Is Our Lord and Savior

Some die hard Shia Labeouf fans have created a religion that revolves around the greatest, most awesome actor ever…Shia Labeouf. You know, the guy in Even Stevens, Transformers, Eagle Eye, and various other shitty media productions. No wait, I take that back–Even Stevens was sweet. But are they serious? How can you create a religion that worships a person who yelled “Bumble Bee!” and “Optimus!” throughout an entire movie. My mistake; TWO movies.  Plus he was in Indiana Jones 4, which was a crime in and of itself.

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“A new obsessive Shia LaBeouf fansite features a bunch of creepy photos of Our Saviour Shia photoshopped into iconic religious images. I like that the official word for Shia-related art is “shart.””

Haha shart…classic. Hit the link for the official Shiantology website, and become a shiantologist if you must. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you.

Shiantology’s Official Site

The Bacteria That Makes You Puke Can Do Math Faster Than Your Average Computer

Biologists have successfully created a computer composed of E. coli bacteria. You’ve often heard stories of employees from various food establishments not washing their hands then preparing your food, resulting in a week of vomiting, diarrhea, and cabin fever. Turns out, those microscopic hell bringers can solve complex math equations way better than you and your shitty Dell laptop. Kind of makes you feel like shit–literally.

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“While the tech world argues netbooks vs notebooks, synthetic biologists are leaving traditional computers behind altogether. A team of US scientists have engineered bacteria that could solve complex mathematical problems faster than anything made from silicon.

The research, published today in the Journal of Biological Engineering, proves that bacteria can be used to solve a puzzle known as the Hamiltonian Path Problem. Imagine you want to tour the 10 biggest cities in the UK – one route might start in London (number 1) and finish in Bristol (number 10), for example. The solution to the Hamiltonian Path Problem would be the route that takes in each city just once.

This simple problem is surprisingly difficult to solve. There are over 3.5 million possible routes to choose from, and a regular computer must try them out one at a time to find the one that visits each city only once. Alternatively, a computer made from millions of bacteria can look at every route simultaneously. The biological world also has other advantages. As time goes by, a bacterial computer will actually increase in power as the bacteria reproduce.”

So the stuff in your poop is more intelligent then you’ll ever be. Yea, it’s not able to make conscious decisions based on free will, but it’ll embarrass you in a mathlethe competition.

Gotta Catch Em' Arr!

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Women Becoming More Beautiful While Men Remain Unsightly. Not Necessarily a Bad Thing

Being a man entails many things: we’re rugged, we don’t ask for directions, we don’t like wearing pants, we’re dirty (erotically and aesthetically), and we usually laugh at fart jokes up until the age of 40. Not to mention keeping yourself pretty is totally gay. This study found that women, get this, tend to have more children than their male counterparts, due to their growing level of aesthetic appeal. Uh, no shit women have more children.  Scientists are fucking idiots. I’m guessing they overlooked the fact that dudes can’t have kids, unless you’re like Arnold Schwarzenegger in ‘Junior.’ We have to stop handing out Ph.D’s in infomercials and community college…

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“FOR the female half of the population, it may bring a satisfied smile. Scientists have found that evolution is driving women to become ever more beautiful, while men remain as aesthetically unappealing as their caveman ancestors.

The researchers have found beautiful women have more children than their plainer counterparts and that a higher proportion of those children are female. Those daughters, once adult, also tend to be attractive and so repeat the pattern.

Over generations, the scientists argue, this has led to women becoming steadily more aesthetically pleasing, a “beauty race” that is still on. The findings have emerged from a series of studies of physical attractiveness and its links to reproductive success in humans.”

Women getting hotter is actually pretty awesome, but there’s definitely a trade off. They’re also becoming more crazy, illogical, and mentally unsound. Oh, and they’re still bitches when they want to be. And by ‘when they want to be,’ I actually mean all the time. But they have vaginas, which is really awesome. Keep getting prettier ladies, and I’ll keep fake listening.